Amanda Abel, Author at Northern Centre for Child Development

Help! I think my child is entitled: Ways to keep your kids’ feet on the ground

Olivia Smith, educational and developmental psychologist at Northern & Hawthorn Centre for Child Development shares some insights for you…

It can be a confronting realisation for parents: you buy your child yet another toy, or clean up after them, and there is not one ounce of gratitude. You might reflect that your own childhood was completely different- why does your child not realise how lucky they are?

Changes over time mean that more children are (often inadvertently) spoilt than ever. Parents tend to be more time poor and lack the energy to ‘fight’ their kids; they want to give their child all the things they did not have as kids; and modern technology, in which everything is available at the click of the button, means this generation is not used to the idea of having to wait. And yet we know that children who are ‘entitled’ usually end up unsuccessful and unhappy as adults. So how do we address this?

First, remember that you are your child’s parent, and not their friend. Your job is to prepare them for life as an adult, which may result in disappointments along the way. It is okay for your child to not always ‘like you’. In the long-term, children feel more secure when clear limits are in place.
Be clear in your expectations of your child and stay firm. Do not engage in arguments with them, ignore ‘whining’ and stay calm.
It is okay to say ‘no’. Experiencing some adversity allows us to grow.
It is reasonable to expect your child to do things they can do themselves. If needed, you can put extra supports in place, such as helping them write a checklist or getting them to pack their schoolbag the night before.
Implement some natural consequences. For example, if your child is too rough with something and breaks it, do not replace it straight away.
Teach your child the life skill of delayed gratification (e.g. I must wait until Christmas for the toy that I want).
Completion of certain tasks should be expected as a ‘contribution to the family’. You can however offer pocket money for additional tasks that go above and beyond this, but this only works if the pocket money is contingent on completing the tasks. This teaches your child that they must ‘earn’ what they want. Older teenagers should be encouraged to engage in part-time work for similar reasons, needing to ‘save’ for big purchases such as a new phone or their first car.
Model expressing gratitude and encourage your child to engage in these practices, such as writing thank you notes for gifts. Regular giving to and participating in charity work as a family also teaches your child important life lessons.

Olivia Smith is an endorsed Educational and Developmental Psychologist and is a strong believer in the importance of working collaboratively with families and other professionals to ensure a holistic approach to child wellbeing. She is passionate about advocating for and working with children presenting with anxiety and/or neurodiversity (e.g. ASD, ADHD and specific learning disorders) and their families. Olivia strives to make therapy sessions engaging, effective and applicable to everyday life, and views the relationship between child and therapist as key to success. She is also a certified SOS-feeding therapist.

Getting your child to understand and express their emotions- what you should know

Olivia Smith – Educational and Developmental Psychologist atNorthern & Hawthorn Centre for Child Development

It goes without saying that for most kids, different events are a BIG DEAL. When it is their birthday, they are SO EXCITED. When they lose their favourite toy, they are SO SAD. And when you tell them they need to turn off the iPad now and go to bed… that is SO UNFAIR. Sometimes these emotional reactions seem totally out of proportion to what has occurred and can seem baffling and overwhelming to parents. How can we help our kids manage these big emotions?

It is important to remember that children’s brains are still developing, and this also applies to their ability (or inability) to manage strong emotions. Emotion regulation is not a skill we are born with, but something that grows as we mature over time. Importantly, it is largely a learnt skill, and something we must explicitly teach kids. What does this look like?

Well, first of all, we need to help children identify what emotion they are feeling. Kids will often respond that they are feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and lack the emotional vocabulary that adults have. As adults, they need us to label their emotional experience, e.g. “I can hear that you’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the playground today”. This act of naming an emotion is powerful for a child as it makes it a tangible thing they can manage. Acknowledging what your child is feeling does not mean you are necessarily agreeing that it is a justified response but shows your child that you are there for them.

Children often also have difficulty knowing what to do in each moment. It depends on the age of the child, but you directing them towards a calming activity- such as blowing bubbles to support slow breathing, receiving a firm hug, drawing or bouncing on the trampoline- teaches them strategies that they themselves can implement in the future. When your child is highly emotional, the rational part of their brain has gone ‘offline’. As most parents would know, trying to verbally reason with a child when they are escalated is a futile process. For this reason, wait until your child has ‘recovered’ before opening a problem-solving discussion about what they could do differently next time.

Remember, the more your child practices emotion regulation, the better they will get at it. It takes patience as a parent, but you play a vital role in your child developing emotional intelligence.

If you’re keen to learn more about how to respond to your child’s emotions, paediatric psychologist Amanda Abel (founder of Northern & Hawthorn Centre for Child Development) has created an online mini-course jam packed full of tips. It’s called Responding to your child’s BIG feelings and you can get it here!

Have you used this method yet to teach your ASD child new skills?

As a psychologist working with young people with Autism Spectrum Disorder, I often find myself in awe of their many ‘superpowers’ – attention to detail, memory and creativity, to name a few. However, this difference in information processing can also lead to gaps in their understanding of other aspects of life. This is where Social Stories^TM can help.

A Social Story^TM is a social learning tool used by parents, carers or professionals to share information with people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It was developed in 1990 by a teacher named Carol Gray to describe the rules of a PE game to one of her students. As the name suggests, Social Stories^TMare written like a story book with text and illustrations. They are tailored to the child’s skills, attention span and interests and can also be used with teenagers and adults!

Social stories describe a range of situations, skills, concepts or achievements, such as:

How to cope with strong emotions such as anger or fear
Situations such as getting a haircut at the hairdresser or starting a new grade at school
Self-care skills (e.g., getting dressed, brushing teeth)
Social skills (e.g., taking turns, greeting people, sharing)
Concepts like resilience or even understanding the person’s autism diagnosis

Social Stories^TM are developed with help from a psychologist or speech pathologist. The child’s support team can play a role in:

Reading the Social Story^TM to the child
Using the story to prepare for an event such as starting a new school year
Introducing the story when the child (and adult) are calm and content
Helping the child to understand the story. For example, by asking questions about the main points
Planning how often to read the story and when to review it
Reducing the frequency of reading, once the child has understood the concept or learned the skill
Finding a space to store the stories, for example in a document folder or electronically

Want to find out more? Carol Gray’s book, The New Social Story Book (2010) has some great examples. Or get in touch with us and learn more about how to teach your child with ASD new important life skills by working with one of our psychologists!

Yvette Zevon is a psychologist based at The Northern Centre for Child Development, who is completing the registrar program in Educational and Developmental Psychology. She is passionate about working with young people and families and is grateful for the daily opportunities to express her playful side.

Have you seen our founder Amanda Abel’s new online school for parents? It’s called The Psychology Room and her first course has been lauched – The Good Night Toolbox – with tools for parents to help their child get to sleep at night. Check it out here!

9 ways to encourage your toddler to speak

As children grow older, language becomes a critical means of communication. If a toddler has difficulties communicating using words, they may resort to other behaviours, such as aggression, to express their frustration. It is therefore important that you foster language development in your child by encouraging it as much as possible, and by seeking support from a Speech Pathologist if your concerns persist. Some general strategies to keep in mind include:

Monitoring the presence of ear infections, as these can have a significant impact on language development. It is also strongly recommended to get your child’s hearing tested to eliminate this as a factor contributing to their difficulties.
When your child makes attempts to use language, always respond. If their pronunciation is incorrect, repeat what they said with correct pronunciation (e.g. “I see’d the shark”, “yes you saw a shark”). Avoid seeming overly critical of your child’s speech, as this will discourage their efforts.
Frequently using new words in front of your child and asking them questions.
When needed, helping ‘translate’ for your child during their interactions with others.
Encouraging your child to talk about things in the past and in the future.
Encouraging the use of non-verbal communication strategies, such as gestures and eye contact.
Pretending to be ‘forgetful’ (e.g. put their shoes on without their socks to prompt them to ‘remind’ you).
Creating opportunities for communication, such as putting a desired object just out of reach or by giving them some pieces of a puzzle (to encourage them to make requests).
Continuing to repeat and build on what your child says, to read to them, to engage in songs and social games and to minimise screen time.

As always, if you have any concerns or would like more specific advice, get in touch with us!

How do I know if my child is anxious?

We have all experienced nervousness, worrying and fear. Anxiety is part of our human experience and plays an important evolutionary role in making us aware of risks and keeping us safe. Anxiety becomes problematic when it is out of proportion to the situation and has an impact on daily life. Children are not immune to anxiety; however, they often lack the awareness or vocabulary to express what is going on for them. Instead, they may communicate this through certain behaviours, which may include:

Finding it difficult to concentrate
Difficulty falling asleep or frequent waking during the night
Reduced appetite
Seeming more irritable than usual, fidgety or ‘on edge’
Complaining of stomach aches, diarrhoea, headaches, dizziness, shortness of breath or a racing heart
Crying often
Being extra ‘clingy’ and not wanting to separate from parents
Reporting being ‘worried’ or having ‘bad thoughts’
Avoiding certain situations or asking others to do things for them
Seeking excessive amounts of reassurance from parents
Not being willing to try new things

Certain factors can make children more vulnerable to anxiety. This can include their temperament, a family history of anxiety and the presence of a developmental difference, such as ASD or ADHD. Certain situations, such as parental separation, bereavement, moving schools, bullying or illness can also predispose children to anxiety.

The good news is that anxiety is manageable, and there are many strategies that parents and children can use to reduce the effect that anxiety is having on their life. This is a great time to explore meeting with a psychologist (someone who is experienced in working with children your child’s age) to learn some effective, evidence-based strategies for managing anxiety in kids.

Olivia Smith is a registered psychologist and is completing her registrar program in Educational and Developmental Psychology. Olivia is a strong believer in the importance of working collaboratively with families and other professionals to ensure a holistic approach to child wellbeing. She is passionate about advocating for and working with children presenting with anxiety and/or neurodiversity (e.g. ASD, ADHD and specific learning disorders) and their families. Olivia strives to make therapy sessions engaging, effective and applicable to everyday life, and views the relationship between child and therapist as key to success. Outside of her work at NCCD, Olivia works as a clinician in the area of early identification of autism in children (aged 12 to 36 months) at the Olga Tennison Autism Research Centre at La Trobe University.

How do I talk to my child about their “private parts”?

Parents are often uncomfortable talking to their children about the ‘private’ parts of their body and may refer to them with different euphemisms. We have all heard endless varieties of these terms- ‘doodle’, ‘wee-wee’, ‘hoo-ha’, ‘fanny’… you don’t need me to continue! The problem with this roundabout way of talking to children about their private parts is that we are implicitly teaching them that these parts of the body are rude, shameful and something that should not be talked about. Unfortunately, when we do this, it means our kids are less likely to talk about any issues they may have with these areas (including the nightmarish situation that someone has done an indecent act to them or abused them). More broadly, it teaches your child that they can’t talk to their parents about some things, and hinders open communication, the effects of which can continue into adolescence.

So, what do we do? The first important thing is to call body parts by their proper, anatomical names. That’s right- penis, testicles, vulva, vagina, anus. By doing so we are teaching children that these are body parts- just like our tongue or our knee. We can then explain that these are parts of our body that are usually covered, and that only certain people (such as parents or a doctor) can see or touch these. By being willing to talk about things that make you uncomfortable, you are teaching your kids that they can talk about ANYTHING with you. Bath time or getting dressed can be natural opportunities to talk about these things, as can appearing at ease with your own body. Take cues from your kids regarding when to have these conversations- as they get older, this may include discussing names that other children may call these body parts (to reduce confusion). The more open and honest we are with our kids, the more likely they are to reciprocate and feel confident and knowledgeable about their own bodies.

Try these two ways to encourage eye contact in your toddler…

Although making eye contact when interacting with others comes naturally for most toddlers, some children need a bit more support in this area. Some children find eye contact uncomfortable, so it is important to work on this gradually and make doing so rewarding and fun. 2 tips to encourage eye contact include:

Holding a preferred item of your child’s in front of your nose and giving it to them when they request it by meeting your gaze. Ensure that you lower yourself to your child’s eye level (so that it is easier for them to look at you).
Regularly playing interactive social games like ‘Peekaboo’, which encourage close face-to-face interaction.

If you have tried these strategies and are still concerned about your child’s eye contact and social communication skills, please do not hesitate to seek professional support.

Try these 7 ways to encourage your baby to talk!

Sometimes parents are concerned that their baby is not exhibiting the language development they expect at a certain age. The following are some general tips to encourage your child to develop their language skills further, however if you have concerns we would always encourage you to share these with your Maternal Child Health Nurse, General Practitioner or a Speech Pathologist.

Chat to your baby throughout the day about what you are doing, including labelling different objects in the environment.
Engage in social songs and games, such as ‘Round and Round the Garden” and “Peekaboo”.
Read to your child regularly.
Notice and build on your child’s interests, i.e. if they point to something in the distance, talk about this (e.g. “Wow that is a red bird! Look how high it can fly in the sky!”).
Minimise ‘screen time’ in the form of television and devices (it is recommended that children under the age of 2 years not be exposed to screen time at all).
Imitate your child’s babbling.
Use regular words during interactions with your child (rather than simplifying your language to ‘baby talk’).

Surviving Homeschooling…

Amanda Abel, paediatric psychologist

So, Day 1 of ‘homeschool’ or ‘remote learning’ is happening right now. I can’t lie, it has been a challenge so far at my house. And we are only a few hours in…For many parents, the anxiety surrounding not actually knowing what we are doing in advance, not knowing the expectations, and having to manage an academic curriculum along with our other responsibilities (i.e. work; other children etc.) is not making this process easy. But no one said it would be easy, did they? I know how important it is that we all stay home to stay safe, so I’m determined to make this home schooling business work for both my daughter and me!

I read a helpful article in the paper about it and have a few take home messages along with my recommendations which I hope will help those of you sharing this crazy journey with me…

Firstly, they (the educative powers that be?!) have said that the school day isn’t something that can be replicated at home, and parents shouldn’t try to replicate it. My take on this – lets not set ourselves up for failure. Flexibility is going to be required – if we want to start earlier, cram it in to a specific time frame, take more frequent breaks, reward our child for persistence with breaks etc. then that’s what we will do!

Secondly, it was noted that the official schoolwork day (at home) will involve far fewer hours (than at school). My take on this: What we DON’T need to do is start at 9 and finish at 3.20 and fill those hours with torture for the mere sake of it! What we need to remember is that things take A LOT longer in a classroom. Teachers have 20-odd students and their individual needs to be addressing, which means there are a lot of periods of ‘downtime’ and waiting and breaks. Have you ever been parent helper? I have, and I can vouch for this! So – what might take a few hours at school, could potentially be smashed out at home in 30 minutes in an interruption free environment…

Another point was the importance of not ‘stopping’ learning altogether so that students don’t fall behind in foundation areas – things like maths and reading. This makes sense and it also lends itself to us ensuring our kids try to keep up with these important areas in our own way. Being gentle with ourselves and our kids is going to be essential.

To quote the article: “It’s not about parents becoming teachers. We’re asking them to help with setting up a space – for younger children that should be somewhere near an adult because of cybersecurity – and we’re asking them to ask about the work that children are doing. Say, ‘What have you done there? Explain that to me. What did other people do? What did your teacher say?’ – the kind of stuff you would say after school. My take on this – not sure if this is how it is actually going to play out for many of us, but it’s good to know the expectation.

Fundamentally, I believe we need to keep the home schooling experience in perspective. As the article said, If some gaps in learning do occur, teachers and schools will identify them and make up for it and, “in the grand scheme of 13 years’ education, it is not going to be the end of the world”.

My personal biggest concern is the impact this is going to have on YOUR mental health as a parent – and that of your kids as well. My tips around this are:

Preserve your sanity – don’t set yourself up for failure, just stay afloat and if you don’t get through all the learning tasks, that’s fine and probably expected.
Set realistic expectations for yourself AND your child
Be flexible – yes I know I’m always banging on about being consistent, but now I want you to bend that a bit. What works today may not work tomorrow with your kids, and that’s okay. It’s normal. But keep trying different things and don’t beat yourself up or feel like you’ve failed if things aren’t going according to plan.
Let balls drop – now is the time to practice being okay with things being less than perfect…in all domains of your life.
Put some structure in place – for your sanity and that of your kids. Structure your ‘school day’ as broadly as you need to – this is the one thing to try to stick to so make it doable. It might be breakfast – play – learning time – break – learning time – break – learning time – finish. You can then be as flexible as you like with what slots in to each of those breaks and learning times.
Expect behaviours – we are doing things differently. Our kids sniff this stuff out like there’s no tomorrow and they will try to push the boundaries. And we will probably cave because, lets face it, we are juggling about 10 balls in the air at the moment and sometimes saying yes to playing Minecraft when you’re supposed to be naming percussion instruments (which mind you, your mum who studied music at a tertiary level -yes that’s me, can’t even name!) is just going to have to happen sometimes.

Lets just try to get through this, remembering that it will pass. There might be some positives for some, but I know for many of the families I work with this period of homeschooling is going to be incredibly hard. Please reach out for help guys.

Wishing you all luck and please let me know how you go!

Amanda Abel is a paediatric psychologist, mum, and founder of Northern Centre for Child Development (NCCD) and Hawthorn Centre for Child Development (HCCD) – multidisciplinary paediatric practices in Melbourne. Working directly and indirectly with hundreds of clients each year, Amanda’s mission is for every child to achieve their best outcomes by equipping families and educators with the tools they need to help kids thrive.

Amanda is media trained, appearing on Channel 7 and 9 News and regularly features in print media. As a contributor to Finch Publishing’s “Working Mums” book, Amanda shared her insights about juggling a business and parenting.

Amanda draws on her own experiences of being a parent along with her extensive training and well-honed skill set to get families thriving. Having worked with families for almost two decades, as a psychologist for the past 11 years in a variety of settings, and a valued board member of the Autism Behavioural Intervention Association, Amanda loves building the confidence of the adults in the lives of children so that they can connect meaningfully, help them reach their full potential, and live a life that reflects their values.

Amanda frequently presents at both academic and parenting events, most recently at the 7^th Learning Differences Convention in Melbourne and Sydney in 2019 as well as many other events hosted by PR companies in Melbourne.

Staying sane (or close enough to it!) during home isolation.

By Madeline Sibbing (Psychologist)

A few short weeks ago, my family took off for a holiday to New Zealand, something we’d been looking forward to for ages. Little did we know that, in the ten days that we were away, the world would completely change under our feet!

Thus, we returned home (with a few cheeky toilet rolls stashed in our luggage) to two weeks’ mandatory home isolation imposed by the government for all Australians re-entering the country – followed pretty much immediately by stage 3 restrictions. For those who are feeling a little lost and overwhelmed at the prospect of weeks or months of isolation, here are my tips. As the government has just announced that Term 2 is likely to be taught remotely for most children in Australia, some of these tips might be handy if you’ll be trying to work from home AND home-school your kids…

Madeline’s sanity-saving strategies for home isolation with kids:

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. It’s just simple maths. Having kids to entertain plus paid work to complete plus school work to get through plus social connections to maintain plus bills to pay plus jobs to try and keep in the current economic situation plus worry and uncertainty………EQUALS STRESS!!!!!! We can’t do everything. Trust me, I tried and it doesn’t work. As I discussed with a lovely client of mine today, what will our children remember in the future from this unique time in their lives? The times tables that they learned? The adjectives they used appropriately in sentences? OR, the connection and closeness they felt with their families? The bedroom fort they made and played in with their siblings each day? The ritual of sitting together for dinner each night with no rush and nowhere to be, whilst Dad tells bad jokes?
Try and stick to regular sleep-wake times and meal times. I mean regular and NOT regimented. Keeping our body clocks and ‘tummy clocks’ ticking along nicely means our bodies are well regulated, thus reducing the chances of emotional outbursts due to tiredness and hunger. Further, when it’s time to return to our normal working/school lives, our bodies are already in an appropriate routine.
For parents who are working from home: “Do not disturb” signs for the study door work a treat. Get your kids involved in helping to create a sign so they know when parents are in meetings and cannot be disturbed. Make sure you get up and take the sign down when meetings are finished (even if you are still in there working) and put them back up when you really can’t be disturbed. This allows the child to exercise patience and wait for your attention until you are available (not a bad thing to learn) AND it gets you up and your legs moving briefly in between online meetings.
On that note, a little list of activities to get through each day can be helpful for kids whose parents are unavailable due to work for many hours of the day. Once again, I do not mean you should make a daily schedule mapping out each hour of the day! Just sit together as a family and make some agreements about what needs to be completed each day and who is response. Eg. we all get dressed and tidy our rooms. Each day we do a bit of exercise, some reading and our nightly dance party before dinner. (Of course the day can involve a lot more than that, but these are the basic things we want to try and get through each day).
Self-care is key. No doubt you will have been flooded with suggestions of free exercise programs, meditations and yoga poses you can do at home. Find what works for you. For me, after a long day of telehealth sessions my muscles really need to move, so doing my dance classes online has been a saving grace! Sure, my kids think it’s hilarious when I jump around doing hip-hop in the backyard but frankly, who cares? I’m modelling self-care and showing them the importance of taking time for myself to nurture my body and mind in a way that works for me.
Reflect on how you want your life to be. I love the quote currently doing the rounds on social media that states “In the rush to return, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to”. Personally, this time of isolation seems to have given me something I’ve needed for a long time: slow paced days and connection with my family. It seems crazy to me now that I’ve been desperately trying to find ways to achieve these things for years now and it took a worldwide health crisis for me to finally do it! I definitely think this will help me to re-prioritise my responsibilities going forward, and hopefully bring a bit more balance into my world.

I hope this helps and gives you all a bit of permission to slow down, connect with each other more and get through this crazy time buffered by the laughter and love of your families.

Madeline Sibbing is a Paediatric Psychologist with a Master of Educational and Developmental Psychology from Monash University. Her fifteen years of professional experience has been attained within government and independent schools in assessment, therapeutic interventions and consultation with children, adolescents, parents and teachers. She also developed primary prevention programs, mental health awareness activities and teacher training in a secondary college. Madeline spent several years working as an Educational Psychologist in London, UK, as a Chartered member of the British Psychological Society. She is a registered supervisor with the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency, supervising Masters of Psychology candidates and newly-registered Psychologists.

Consistently described as an engaging, down-to-earth and knowledgeable therapist, Madeline obtains enormous joy from working with children and young people… as often evidenced by the sounds of laughter and silliness emanating from her therapy room.

stock image credits: Charles Deluvio on Unsplash;