Northern Centre for Child Development

We all want our children to play and get along, especially siblings, as they will be the ones who will be present throughout our lives. But what happens when one child requires more support or has greater needs than another? How we respond to questions, explain the differences and celebrate the uniqueness of us all in a family will have an influence on how children accept and relate to their sibling with different needs. 

It is important to take a whole family approach to the needs and wants of parents and children in a family. Some siblings report that they develop positive qualities unique to having a sibling with different needs such as insight, empathy and independence while others find taking on an extra job as sibling of someone with special needs more difficult, feeling they always have to be the advocate or ‘good one’ to manage the extra stress on the family. 

There are ways to broach the subject and have family discussions to ensure all have a voice, understand differences and are supportive with each other’s need: 

• Disclosing the diagnosis in an age and developmentally appropriate way to the child affected and their siblings, close family and friends. This can set the stage for open and honest discussions about questions or issues that come up about differences, using books or online resources.
• Having family meetings to discuss upcoming events or implement approaches to help manage some of the required needs of a sibling. This way all can have a say, give suggestions and explore the impact on the family.
• Having family schedules and timetables up so that all family activities can be monitored and included. This will also include fun activities eg. family movie & pizza nights, holidays, or respite weekends.
• Making dates or times for each family member to feel special and choose an activity that they would like to do. Eg. having a name day to themselves, a beach or shopping day or a sibling day!
• Connecting older siblings into organisations, online supervised chat rooms and sibling days and camps. This can help them connect with others whose families are similar to their own and whom they share their stories with.

Some helpful organisations and books include: 

Siblings Australia https://siblingsaustralia.org.au/ 

Association for Children with a Disability https://www.acd.org.au 

Young Carers – https://youngcarersnetwork.com.au/

Livewire – www.livewire.org.au 

Books:

Sibshops: Workshops for Siblings of Children with Special Needs, by Donald J. Meyer, Patricia F. Vadasy 

Views from Our Shoes: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs by Donald Meye

Everybody is Different: A Book for Young People Who Have Brothers or Sisters with Autism by Fiona Bleach 

This Is Me! I am who I’m meant to be!: Autism book for children, kids, boys, girls, toddlers, parents, teachers and caregivers by Amy Pflueger

Boys are more likely than girls to be diagnosed  with ASD, here’s why: 

An estimated 1 in 70 people has autism; with almost four times as many boys than girls diagnosed. http://www.abs.gov.au

This figure may hide the true incidence of autism in girls and women, with some estimates ranging from 7:1 to as low as 2:1 (that is, 2 boys for every girl). http://www.autismawareness.com.au/could-it-be-autism/autism-and-girls/

What ASD  may look like in girls …

Social communication and interaction differences:

Like initiating and responding to others in conversation and play; displaying and responding to non-verbal communicative (eg eye contact, body language, facial expression and gestures); difficulty developing and maintaining relationships with others.

Behaviour, interest and activities:

These may involve special interests, routines, rituals or preoccupations, difficulties with change and transitions; repetitive speech, movements, use of an object or toy; preferred routines (doing thing the same way each time, difficulty with flexibility within these routines); restricted interest in a narrow area; sensitivity to their environment (eg finding loud noises, bright lights, busy environments upsetting or seeking out specific experiences such as smells, tastes, pressure, differing pain threshold).

While girls on the Spectrum often are unable to read the unspoken rules and meaningful glances that are so important to fitting in, they manage to cope by copying what the other girls do. …

• Observing and trying to understand before the make the first step
• Reading fiction or watching soaps to learn about inner thoughts and feelings
• Decoding social situations in doll play and imaginary friends
• Apologising and appeasing for social mishaps
• Being a chameleon: they learn how to adopt a persona for different situations and learn to act so well that many affected girls say “they don’t know the real me”. The drawback of this chameleon tendency is that it can lead to mental health disorders.
•  Girls with ASD may suffer a fear of rejection, particularly surrounding their ability to make, but not keep, friends and they often have one friend who provides guidance and security.

Some resources to support girls on the spectrum include:

https://www.yellowladybugs.com.au/

Women and girls

Autism In Girls & Women | Autism Awareness Australia

Deciding to embark on an autism (ASD) assessment is not an easy process for any family. For some, it can be a suspicion they have been harbouring for some time. For others, a professional may mention it, seemingly out of the blue. The process can be intimidating in terms of waitlists, lots of appointments, the cost and of course then having that feedback session. So how do you decide if you should go down that road? 

I should caveat this list that I am certainly not an unbiased source on this topic! I strongly believe that an assessment (if warranted) can ultimately lead to better understanding and support for an individual. At the same time, I appreciate that there can be ambivalence for many people in this space. Below is a summary of discussion points I have had with numerous families over the years:

Pros: 

• A sense of relief that you can now put a ‘name’ on what has been happening for your child. 
• Being able to tailor your parenting approach by tapping into the existing body of evidence and collective wisdom in this space. 
• For teachers and therapists to better understand what strategies, techniques etc. might be helpful for your child. 
• Possible access to ongoing funding for therapy (e.g., through NDIS). 
• An understanding of your child’s unique strengths and needs. 
• Alleviating some guilt that your child’s difficulties are in some way your or their ‘fault’. 
• Avoiding others putting judgemental and unfair labels on your child, e.g., that they are ‘lazy’ or ‘oppositional’. 
• Fostering your child’s sense of identity and of belonging to a broader community of others like them. 

Cons: 

• Your child might think there is ‘something wrong’ with them. 
• Your family may not be in a good emotional space at this time to go through this process. 
• There have been disruptions in your child’s life and development (e.g., trauma, significant illness etc.) and it is difficult to identify the impact of these.   
• People might treat your child differently, with a ‘one size fits all’ approach to ASD.  
• Others may be dismissive of a potential diagnosis. 
• It can raise questions about other members of the family (although this can be a good thing!) 

At the end of the day, it is a decision that only you as a parent can make. As psychologists however, we can assist with discussing our observations of your child, and whether we feel an assessment is warranted and would be helpful.

The earth has a variety of life forms- plants, land animals, marine animals, insects…. We call this biodiversity and it is why we have a beautiful, wonderful world.

Just as the earth has different living things, people have different brains and we can call this neurodiversity. When we hear others talk about brain differences, it’s often based on the things that people find difficult. What if we focused on encouraging people to recognise and use their strengths instead?

Here comes…..the iceberg…….

You may have seen the analogy of the ‘success iceberg’ (if not, you can google it). As a psychologist, I like to use the iceberg with kids and parents I work with to get them thinking about their strengths.

If you know someone who has a different brain to you (it might be your child, or someone else you know), consider the top of the iceberg (the small bits of what people see). This might be a couple of broad good things, or even some challenging behaviour.

Now consider the bottom of the iceberg underwater (strengths that people don’t see straight away). There are always more strengths under the water which we don’t always see. These can be nurtured and encouraged to bring out the best in an individual.

Here’s an example of an ADHD iceberg:

Why don’t you try your own? Even better, do it with your child and see just how many brilliant superpowers you uncover!

Christine is a registered psychologist undertaking endorsement in Educational & Developmental psychology.  Christine has worked with a range of ages (children, youth and adults) in helping them understand mental health concerns including anxiety and depression, support with coping through stress and change, and setting and achieving goals. Christine also conducts psychoeducational and diagnostic assessments primarily for learning difficulties, autism and ADHD. Using a strengths based approach and working with clients to find what works for them, Christine will often utilise Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Solution Focused Therapy to explore and achieve client goals. Outside the clinic, Christine enjoys spending time with her puppy and eating cruffins (croissant muffins).

The 19th of March marks an opportunity to stop, think and reflect on bullying and the impact it can have on young people. This year’s theme is “Kindness Culture” which aims to promote “inclusiveness, respect, and a sense of belonging”, in order to proactively prevent bullying behaviour. 

Like many things, bullying can come in different shapes and sizes. Linked below are some user friendly bullying resources for young people and their parents: 

https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/bullying: Kids Helpline Guide to Bullying – Outlines the different forms, their impact and strategies to deal with bullying. 

https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/resources/classroom-resources: The government’s “Bullying. No Way” initiative provides a range of short video clips that outline different cyberbullying scenarios and appropriate courses of action. 

Tips for supporting a young person who is experiencing bullying: 

• Validate their experience e.g., “That sounds really hurtful”, “I can see why that was upsetting for you”. 
• Try not to minimise their experience  e.g., “I’m sure it was a one off, they probably didn’t mean it”. 
• Empower them to identify what’s wrong with the situation. Collaboratively talk about the behaviour and whether they have been treated appropriately. 
• Encourage them to surround themselves with people who build their self-esteem. This may be through after school activities or play dates. 
• Encourage them to stand up for themselves using assertive (e.g., “I feel”) language rather than aggressive (e.g., “You did”) language, to educate others about the impact of their actions and behaviours. 
• Take necessary steps to support and protect your child from further harm e.g., contacting the school, providing psychoeducation to parents and teachers, blocking bullies on social media, seeking external support etc. 

By educating ourselves, our children and others on bullying behaviour and its impact, we too can contribute towards building “kindness culture”. All individuals deserve to feel respected and accepted among their peers and within the community. 

References: 

14 Ways to Respond to Relational Aggression (verywellfamily.com)

https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/bullying

https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/

By Senior Psychologist Kim McGregor

In my last article, I covered how to talk to your child about anxiety. Maybe since then some of you have given it a go, but what’s next? Now that they understand it better, it’s time to help your child find ways to manage that anxiety in a healthy, adaptive way.

Practical supports parents can use to assist with managing anxiety in children can include:

• Increasing activities that encourage distraction, relaxation or achievement
  • Label feelings – scared, sad, angry, happy, worried
  • Understand and notice escalation patterns – body cues and signals for low, moderate or high levels of distress
  • Model and teach skills to calm
  • Have a list of calming activities for your child when upset
• Increasing activities that require physical energy to burn up anxiety and stress

Some learning techniques parents can implement to encourage brave behaviours in their children include:

• Talking and listening to your child to support and understand their fears and how their fears affect them
• Modelling appropriate ways of dealing with worries and fear for your child
• Paying attention to brave behaviours and improvement in behaviour rather than anxious behaviour
• Giving clear, concrete and specific praise at appropriate attempts at coping and brave behaviours
• Rewarding brave behaviours for their effort in achieving something for their own benefit
• Showing interest in activities your child enjoys with affection
• Independence overcomes anxiety – provide and support opportunities TO SUCCEED

Here are some books and websites that can help:

My feelings books by Trace Moroney

Helping your anxious child – A step by step guide for parents by R M Rapee, A Wignall and S H Spence

Triple P – More confident kids (0-12 years) who can cope with challenges – free online parenting course

Kids helpline website – Anxiety in kids parents can read though with them

Beyond blue website – strategies for parents to help and support anxious children 

Kim McGregor is a registered Psychologist with a Master’s degree in Educational & Developmental Psychology. She has worked extensively with infants, children and their families in not for profit, early childhood, specialised school and government multidisciplinary settings providing assessment, diagnosis and treatment for their developmental, cognitive, social, emotional and learning needs.

While Kim enjoys working with and celebrating all children as they grow and develop, her experience and interests include understanding the specific strengths, abilities and support needs of children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, developmental delay, intellectual disability and learning disabilities to reach their full potential through comprehensive assessment.  

Her goal is to always work from a person centred and family focused partnership with parents providing clear communication, empathy and support throughout the journey of understanding and helping their child.  She incorporates evidence based therapies to support skill development, having trained in CBT programs such as The Cool Kids Anxiety program (Cool Kids) and the Secret Agent Society program (SAS) and in Positive Behaviour Support (PBS).

While Kim has spent most of her life in Sydney, she now enjoys all that Melbourne has to offer with her family and pets. 

By Senior Psychologist Kim McGregor

Our children are first and foremost individuals who are developing in their bodies and brains, and they will experience normal fears which will change from infancy to adolescence. These typically developing fear stages differ from clinical anxiety in their severity, not in their quality.

Some examples of typical development in the context of fears include:

Infancy – loud noises, strangers, separation

Preschool – animals, the dark, monsters

Primary age – social, judgement from others, school achievement

Adolescence – social, judgement from others, relationship issues

Talking to your child about anxiety can include discussing that it is a normal emotion needed to survive, commonly expressed as fear or worry, and that we all go through typical fears. 

Everybody experiences anxiety differently – it is a subjective sense of worry, fear or distress and includes physical body sensations, thoughts, emotions of nervousness or fear and actions/behaviour. It is common (1 out of 10 kids) and is influenced by genetics, environments/modelling and life experiences.

Healthy anxiety is adaptive, keeps us safe, helps us to perform better and increases motivation while unhealthy anxiety occurs too easily too often, interferes with daily functioning, and may affect life enjoyment. 

If your child seems to be experiencing anxiety that is impacting on their daily functioning, it might be heading into ‘unhealthy anxiety’ territory. Try opening up a conversation with them about it. This will help them to realise that anxiety is normal (even helpful at times!) and there are things we can do about it when it all becomes too much.

As for what to do about it…..stay tuned for part two, where I will give you some tips and resources to help you and your child manage their anxiety more effectively!

Kim McGregor is a registered Psychologist with a Master’s degree in Educational & Developmental Psychology. She has worked extensively with infants, children and their families in not for profit, early childhood, specialised school and government multidisciplinary settings providing assessment, diagnosis and treatment for their developmental, cognitive, social, emotional and learning needs.

While Kim enjoys working with and celebrating all children as they grow and develop, her experience and interests include understanding the specific strengths, abilities and support needs of children with Autism Spectrum Disorders, developmental delay, intellectual disability and learning disabilities to reach their full potential through comprehensive assessment.  

Her goal is to always work from a person centred and family focused partnership with parents providing clear communication, empathy and support throughout the journey of understanding and helping their child.  She incorporates evidence based therapies to support skill development, having trained in CBT programs such as The Cool Kids Anxiety program (Cool Kids) and the Secret Agent Society program (SAS) and in Positive Behaviour Support (PBS).

While Kim has spent most of her life in Sydney, she now enjoys all that Melbourne has to offer with her family and pets. 

As parents, each of us try our best to manage what seems like an ever-growing list of demands on our time and energy throughout the day. Now that school is back in session, re-establishing and maintaining those weekly family routines can be particularly challenging. 

While occasional rushing in the morning, pushes to get that homework done after school, and fatigue-riddled ‘goodnights’ are bound to happen from time to time, when they become the norm these transition points can end up feeling like a chore rather than an opportunity for connection that can support our child’s emotional development.

As young people can experience so much in a given day, one way to support your child’s emotional wellbeing and processing is to engage in calm connection with them during these important 9 minutes of the day:

The first 3 minutes after they wake up:

• Rather than… abrupt wake-ups and racing through breakfast
• Try starting off the morning with cuddles and talking about what we might be looking forward to most today (conversation cue cards can be a great way to get started)

The first 3 minutes after they get home from child-care or school:

• Rather than… letting them rush to their screens, asking about homework, or greeting them from another room
• Try greeting them face-to-face, sharing a snack with them, and talking about the ups and downs of the day – starting with lighter questions (e.g., what was something that made you laugh today) can help a young person replay the day in their minds, which can mentally prepare them for tougher questions (e.g., what was the most challenging thing you had to do today, was there anything that upset you)

The last 3 minutes before they go to bed:

• Rather than… sending them to bed on their own or immediately leaving after tucking them into bed
• Try talking about what they were most grateful for today, asking about the best part of their day, and sharing some words of encouragement – supporting them to feel seen, heard, and valued can be a great way to end a long day (even if we lost some of our patience during that night’s prolonged bedtime routine)

It’s just 9 minutes to greater connection and a sense of calm for all. Give it a try!

“How to help kids cope with uncertainty in another pandemic year”

It’s hard to believe that we have entered our THIRD year of the COVID-19 pandemic! It has completely turned our lives upside down. Our kids have done a remarkable job thus far of adapting to all the changes, but it’s only natural that their sense of security and stability may have been rocked of late. After all, we know that children thrive on predictability and routine… things that have been sorely missing in the COVID-19 era. 

I’m sure I’m not alone in having ended 2021 on a very different note to how I ended 2020. I remember sitting at a work Christmas function in 2020, where we all mused about how those lockdown days were behind us, and how amazing 2021 was to be. As well all know, that was sadly a naïve attitude to have, and one I no longer had when 2021 wrapped up! The only thing that is certain is uncertainty… which is scary. 

So how do we support our kids to buffer whatever 2022 decides to throw at us? Here are a few suggestions: 

• TALK: Encourage your child to talk about what they are thinking and feeling and validate whatever that might be. Some children may need assistance in labelling the emotions they are experiencing (e.g., “I’ve noticed that your tummy is sore before you go to school. Are you feeling nervous?”)
• CONSISTENCY: As much as possible, try to ensure consistency at home in terms of routines and schedules.
• PREPARATION: Prepare your child for how school may look similar to, or different from, last year. This might include discussions around wearing masks, having air purifiers in the classroom, or that classmates or teachers might be away.
• CONTROL: Encourage your child to focus on what they have control over; that is, their own behaviours, such as wearing their mask correctly, taking their RATs as instructed, and washing their hands regularly.
• WHAT WORKED BEFORE? Remind them of the difficult situations they have already managed in the past, and what they found helpful at those times.
• THEY’RE NOT ALONE: Emphasise that the adults around them will be trying their best to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible. No matter what, their parents, teachers and other caregivers will be looking out for them.
• ADAPT: Let your child know it’s okay to be disappointed when things don’t go to plan and have to be cancelled. Talk about how you might be able to reimagine these events or do something special at home instead.

Good luck to all the parents and children out there getting back to ‘COVID normal’ education. I hope these tips help you all to “expect the unexpected” and get back on-track if we temporarily veer off-course!

I’m guessing many of you have been dealing with the back-to-school jitters from your kiddos in recent weeks. From young to old, the transition of a new year is often an exciting, but also nerve-racking time. This year, the level of anxiety may be even higher due to the ongoing COVID outbreak and potential disruptions that this could bring. There may be concerns about the possible return of remote learning, teachers and classmates becoming ill, and having to not only find but regularly take RAT tests (I don’t think any of us will get used to sticking a swab up our nose!)

When children are feeling anxious about upcoming transitions, they can present with a wide range of behaviours, including withdrawal, isolation, hitting, shouting, irritability, avoidance of school-related topics or routines and many more. Sometimes your child may seem to regress in certain areas (e.g., reverting to bed wetting when that hasn’t been an issue for them in a long time).

If you have been observing an increase in some of these behaviours in recent weeks, it may be that your child is feeling anxious about going back to school.  And let’s face it, some of these behaviours can be hard to cope with, especially as we grown-ups manage our own worries!

So here’s my one piece of advice to help YOU help your children through this tricky time:

“BE THE ROCK”.

What do I mean?

Well, we know that children are like sponges – they watch and soak up information from adults even when we don’t know they’re doing it! They are often watching our reaction to help them gauge how they should feel.  Think about the classic example of a young child who grazes their knee and turns to their parent to see if they should burst into tears or dust themselves off and keep going! This means that we need to be mindful of how we respond to challenges and what behaviours we display. 

So what we do we do?

When we receive challenging news or are faced with a situation that sparks worry, we can try the following:

• Go outside and take a few deep breaths before giving an emotional response
• Debrief with another adult out of our child’s earshot before we discuss our feelings about a difficult situation
• Ramp up our self-care and allow our kids to see that we prioritise sleep, exercise, relaxation and leisure to help us regulate our own emotions.

What does this NOT mean?

It does NOT mean that we stifle or try to hide our emotions. It does NOT mean that we lie about how we’re really feeling.  Rather, we make sure that we have had an opportunity to process our difficult feelings appropriately, so that we can talk openly with our children in a calm and measured way and can be fully present to meet their emotional needs.

It is absolutely appropriate to let our kids know that we too feel worried and anxious, but our behaviour needs to reflect a sense of calm. We can then reassure children further by explaining what we are doing as adults to cope with our worries. These coping strategies might include:  focusing on the aspects of the situation that we can control, practicing mindfulness meditation, talking to an adult or practicing gratitude.

In short – try your best to BE THE ROCK, even if inside you’re more like a ball of jelly! It’s tough, but it will help your kids feel confident and keep their own anxiety at a manageable level.