Alexander Almendingen – Psychologist
Parenting comes with a range of challenges, both expected and unexpected, and adding separation, divorce, or contrasting parenting approaches can complicate things even further. But the good news is that coparenting offers an effective way to help support your child develop and minimise interpersonal conflicts, as well as create and maintain stability.
Why is coparenting important?
The research evidence around coparenting is compelling: young people who experience healthy coparenting relationships exhibit better emotional regulation, higher academic achievement, and fewer behavioural problems. They’re also less likely to experience mental health difficulties (e.g., anxiety and depression), and are more likely to develop and maintain healthy relationships themselves during adulthood.
In addition and beyond the benefit to young people, parents who develop and maintain respectful and collaborative coparenting relationships report:
- Less stress and conflict in their lives
- Improved work-life balance
- Overall improvements in their own mental health
- Increased self-confidence within the parenting role
- Increased support during decision-making endeavours
What’s involved in healthy coparenting
Healthy coparenting isn’t about being best friends with your ex, but instead is about creating a and maintaining a partnership that is focused on shared priorities, such as your child’s development and wellbeing.
Key aspect of successful coparenting can involve:
- Regular and consistent communication (e.g., check-ins about weekly schedules, events at school, and other important decisions) that is respectful (e.g., respectful tone and language during all interactions, timely responses to messages)
- Collaborative and unified approach to parenting (e.g., having similar rules and expectations across households, discipline styles that are consistent and coordinated, shared values around key activities such as school/education)
- Practicing compromise and flexibility (e.g., adjusting schedules/routines for special events/occasions or emergencies, keeping an open mind when conversing about parenting approaches/strategies, an emphasis on problem-solving and solutions/plans rather then judging or blaming when difficulties and conflicts arise)
- Respecting boundaries (e.g., refrain from negative or judgemental comments about the other parent in front of children, privacy about new relationships until they become serious, clear agreements about household rules and parenting time)
Practical steps to improve coparenting
Mindset as a starting point:
Before diving into logistics, consider your own attitudes, beliefs, values, and expectations. Ask yourself:
- Is my child’s best interest at heart as I am approaching this partnership?
- Am I bringing ‘baggage’ from our previous relationship into discussion around coparenting?
- Am I able to disconnect my feelings about my ex-partner from their role as a parent to my child?
Establish (and maintain) clear communication protocols:
- Choose communication wisely and come to an agreement around this
- Reserve phone calls for more urgent situations/matters
- Keep communication (e.g., emails, texts) factual, observational, and brief
- Consider neutral locations for in-person discussions around more major situations or decisions
- End heated discussions and revisit them at a later time
Establish (and maintain) consistency around routines/rules:
- Working collaboratively around consistency around key routines/rules across households (e.g., bedtimes, homework expectations, screen time limits, chores, consequences for misbehaviours)
Managing disagreements with a plan:
- Use a 24-hr cooling off period before responding
- Focus on specific issues in the present (rather than bringing up past grievances)
- Collaboratively brainstorm and agree on solutions
- Consider medication for ongoing difficulties/disagreements
- Aim for compromise
Handling unique situations:
- Create plans for unique circumstances (e.g., illness, emergencies, schedule changes, holidays, birthdays) and school events/activities (including sporting events)
- Brainstorm and discuss how to manage introductions of new relationships into the dynamic (e.g., during times of re-partnering)
When coparenting feels very difficult
Not all coparenting endeavours will be simple and smooth-sailing. If you’re dealing with high-conflict situations, consider Parallel Parenting. In the event that collaboration and cooperation is not possible, parallel parenting allows parents to maintain their own parenting approach while minimising contact with the other parent. This approach focuses on:
- Parenting plans that cover various scenarios
- Keeping communication limited and structured
- A relationship dynamic that has clearly laid out boundaries and expectations
- Access to professional support (e.g., family therapists, psychologists), when needed
About the Author
Alex is a registered psychologist with a Master’s degree in Educational and Developmental Psychology. He has extensive experience working with children, adolescents, and their families across school and public mental health settings. Alex is passionate about empowering caregivers and creating a safe, supportive environment that fosters resilience, growth, and lasting positive change. Alex is the Clinical Team Leader at the Northern Centre for Child + Adolescent Development